A Compliment vs. an Observation: Why One Just Hits Different

It was one of those gorgeous summer mornings you yearn for in the dark days of winter.

I'd taken Thor for his morning walk and, with him settled, was headed back out to clock some steps on my own before the day heated up (literally and metaphorically).

A few houses down, I ran into a neighbor. After catching up on all things kids, summer, the world at large, she said "You look great!" Before I could acknowledge the compliment, she changed course: "I mean, you always look great, but you look like you feel great." 

We said our goodbyes and, as I picked up the pace, I winced a little at how eager I was to embrace her compliment. In my defense,I have been working hard this year to create some new practices and habits around my wellbeing. And, so, yes. I admit it felt good to receive validation that it was paying off in a noticeable way. Ok. Better than good…it felt awesome. My ego was more than happy to accept the verbal fist bump.

But then I thought about her follow up: you look like you feel great.

And that, well, that just hit different. Deeper.

Weirdly I spent a good portion of the walk parsing the two statements.

Was it vain of me to enjoy the compliment about my visual appearance because, hell yeah those lunges are paying off? Or was I being too cerebral, giving more weight to how she recognized that, yes, in fact I have shifted my priorities to focus on longevity and well being, thanks for noticing!

And, really, maybe the bigger question here was why the hell was I struggling so much to determine the “right” way to feel in this situation; to choose which compliment was better when, in truth, they were two sides of the same coin.

There’s nothing more human than feeling flattered by a straight visual compliment. Especially when you’ve put in the work. That’s not vanity. That’s the payoff. That's motivation to keep going, even.

But also, it’s the stuff people don’t see that makes it all the more sweet – the struggle, the perseverance, the mental work behind the scenes that fuels the growth.

Maybe that’s why I couldn’t shake it.

In one breath, she’d validated both the external proof of my physical efforts and a subtler tell –  a little bounce in my step that she picked up on before I did.

She gave me a compliment. I felt proud.

She offered an observation. I felt seen.  

One of the more maddening things about taking care of ourselves is that the payoffs aren't always this obvious. You can work really hard to make positive changes in different areas of your life and the results may not be tangible or immediate. We don't get gold stars anymore for taking our vitamins, eating our veggies, or brushing and flossing our teeth. We just kind of have to stay the course and hope it won't be for not.

But every so often, the proof shows up exactly where you hoped it would – for me, that’s in bloodwork results, clean bills of health and “we don’t need to see you again until next year” recommendations.

It was a recent visit to my endocrinologist that delivered the biggest proof point: a bone density report that downgraded me from osteoporosis to osteopenia. Gimme a ‘hell yeah!’ 🥳

After all, that was the inspiration for this new regimen in the first place. Looking great in shorts and a tank top? That was an added bonus.

Which makes me wonder: does the work only count when someone's there to notice? The bounce in your step, the compliment, the "have you lost weight?"

I guess my bone scan would beg to differ.